On Tuesday morning, I had an appointment at the job centre. After six weeks of unemployment, my mother finally got me to go down and apply for some help. Immediately a week later, I found a part time job (yay me!) but I still had to go there once a fortnight so they could check up on me. While waiting in the centre, other people walked in but I payed no attention to them…until the lady at the front called out a name I hadn’t heard in years. The name of a woman who was once my best friend.
If you’ve already read this post, you pretty much know what happened between us. If not, I recommend you read the aforementioned write up as you’ll have more knowledge on this subject. You don’t have to to read it, but it’s there if you wish to. My ears pricked up at the mention of her name and I started to wonder if I had gotten someone else’s name mixed up with hers. But she responded to it and began chatting to the lady in front of her. I started feeling incredibly anxious about whether she’d seen me and recognised me. She probably had and didn’t want to say anything, or just didn’t really care. Either way, it got me thinking about how much I had changed since I left school three years ago.
School was tough on me. People always said to me that I should cherish my school years because they’ll be the best years of my life. Yes, I have wonderful memories from my time there, but the majority of the time it was plagued with bullying, drama and the beginnings of my mental health problems. Leaving school was, actually, one of the best decisions I’ve made in my life. I was able to leave all the drama, all the bullying and all the people who treated me like dirt in the back of my subconscious as I completely transformed myself. I am a far cry from the shy, insecure, panic-attack ridden 16 year old and instead, a confident, happy, strange (and I use that word lovingly) 21 year old. And yet, when I was inches away from my former best friend, I managed to revert back to 16 years. I felt like nothing had changed and I was instantly back in the school environment in the midst of an ongoing argument that has left my mental health scarred for life.
A part of me wanted to go up and talk to her. I wanted to be brave. I wanted to just tell her how truly sorry I was for dragging her through so much conflict and to ask her if there was a chance we could start fresh. She’s been on my mind for many months, but it wasn’t until today that I had actually seen her around. I’ve imagined scenarios where we bump into each other and I pour my heart and soul out to her. There were times in my mind where she rejected me and others where she accepted me. But my message of remorse and profuse apologues were always the same. My parents often ask me about her since we were so close. I can’t bring myself to tell them what happened. They still don’t know after nearly four years.
And yet, before I could even go and introduce myself, she was out of the job centre as quickly as she came in, leaving me feeling insecure. I was tempted to wander into town to try and find her in the chance I would bump into her and then my good scenario would happen; we’d chat, grab a coffee and just work through catching up. But I knew that if I did, I was putting my mind in a dangerous place. Deep down, I knew that I wasn’t ready to approach her yet. Hell, I don’t think I’ll ever be ready to approach her. I don’t even know if she feels the same way about me. I feel like the woman I’ve grown into would be more in tune with her. We had a lot in common, but she embraced her fashion style a lot earlier than I did. The optimistic part of my brain says yes, but more than likely, she just doesn’t want anything to do with me, which of course, I completely understand.
The chances of her seeing this might be high since the majority of my friends and family know about my blog. Maybe this could prompt her to get in contact. Or me writing this right now could push me into making the first move after so long. I don’t know. This may not even go up since I feel like I’ve just written a huge stream of nonsense from my consciousness. It probably will though; it’s good to do stuff like this once in a while.
I don’t know if I’ll ever see her again. Maybe I have to wait another three and a half years before she pops up next. Whatever happens, I hope the next time I see her, I’ll be brave enough to take the plunge and make that first step.
So it’s been a while, huh…