This year has been a real eye opener for me in terms of personal growth, both physically and mentally. But something that I’ve began to realise is that I have an absolute and unshakeable fear of the unknown. Now, I know that saying that out loud seems pretty silly and completely obvious to most people but I’ve noticed that my fear is completely irrational and often stops me from living my life to the full.
If I haven’t gone on about this enough already, I will be publishing my debut novel next year and there are a number of changes in my life that I plan to put into motion at this moment in time. I’ve lost count of the amount of times I’ve wondered about how the things I want to do would affect my life and it even gets to the point where I would end up in a panic, absolutely terrified at what my life would turn out like after these changes. The fact is, I know that my life will change; it may be small or it may be on a much bigger scale. But I’m so scared of the fact that I can’t predict the future and I don’t know exactly what will happen if I follow through with the plans I have in the pipeline.
My debut novel release isn’t necessarily causing me any stress at all (since I’ve had it planned for months now and I’ve absolutely smashed preparations), but it’s a more prominent matter that I unfortunately can’t talk about and probably won’t be able to discuss for quite some time. It’s a situation that I’ve been in before so I know that I’m going about it in the best way possible, especially because I’m a homeowner now and I have to keep that in mind when I make any decisions that could potentially impact my life in a big way. But this situation is terrifying to go through and knowing that I can’t predict anything about it is scary.
Having generalised anxiety disorder probably plays quite a big factor into why I’m so scared of the unknown, but I think it’s also down to the fact that I don’t have complete control of where my life takes me and playing big risks can either make or break certain situations. Buying my house when I had just started a new job (and being on a probation period for 6 months) was one of the larger risks I took this year but thank fucking god, the risk payed off and I’m still a homeowner with a permanent contract. Going through that experience allowed me to put trust into playing risks once in a while and that I need to not let the fear of the unknown define me.
2017 has been a huge wake up call for me in various aspects of my life and for the first time ever, I’m actually rather excited of the unknown. I don’t know what’s in store for me and I know that I can take the reins and steer myself on whatever course I choose. My book may be a giant flaming flop and this big situation I have to keep quiet about; it may not work out the way I want or will take some time. But I no longer fear what the unknown holds for me and I will not allow this fear to keep me from living my best life.
Have you got a big fear of the unknown?